The most complex emotion of all leaves me craving to know more about it and experience it to the tilt. But every time I go ahead to do so... something gets missed and I cant seem to feel Love in its totality. Last time I had a guy... I was mad for him. I experienced the Deewanapan, the Awarapan side of love. The maddening Romeo effect! I was head over heels for this guy and I couldn’t understand why didn’t he love me...
Today... as I stand stable with a man for a year or so, I am experiencing the calm, sober, sweet poison effect of Love. Every time he smiles he makes me smile. He makes sure I am pampered and well cared for. Dr. Brian says, Love is not always giving but also receiving. I gave a lot to my ex.... and this time I am at the receiving end. But in both the cases... I haven’t ever felt secure.
I have felt
Attachment, solitude,
empathy, sympathy,
madness, craziness,
friendship, romance,
sweet nothings, heated somethings,
Calm silence.
Warm hugs,
feeling of being complete......
Awe, fear, possessiveness, obsession ,insecurity.
But I haven’t felt secure. No one made me feel that I am completely safe with him. That no matter what happens I will be able to live life the way I want.
Last time I was scared that he will leave me.... today I am scared that I will leave him. Both the times no one in my environment liked him! Why do I choose men who are not as good as I am? Why do people think I deserve more? How come I don’t listen to my parents and let them find a rich good looking husband for me? Why do I get attracted to men who are so very different from my society and from me....yet so similar? My guy right now is everything I want him to be but nothing apart from that. I had never thought that I want a guy who can plan his life properly and make sure he knows the ins and outs of the working of the world. I had taken this quality for granted. Here I meet a guy who is as stupid as I am. Seriously, our environment is the reflection of our inner selves. My guy is all that I am. And this leaves me insecure.... and pondering. What is love ultimately? Is it love with oneself? Is it status or emotion or power or nature? I have been guided by a spiritual leader to look at marriage in its totality. If a man doesn’t have money and power but all the beautiful emotions and feelings... he is just being foolish to step into the institution of marriage. After all money and power brings a sense of victory in one’s life letting the person to dwell in the life states of happiness and confidence. If a person keeps talking and talking about how happy he wants to become but never actually works smart to achieve it..... He is just trying to fly in the sky with cardboard wings!
What is love then?
somebody help me..................
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