never begrudge your life

I belong to the world of the youth! People of my age are on the verge of losing hope and wantto be more "practical" in life than idealistic. Most of us youngsters are starting to earn a living and finding out that all the passionate utopian ideals were best preserved in a book and that the real life is much different! Some of us have understood that its best to do what others are doing while some of us are being so rebellious to their own thing that they are losing focus from being good.... to being right!

Whats right? The norms set by the society.... or the desires to create our own norms?

Being one of those who is on the path of self-discovery and seeking The Truth of Life.... I am stranded between the two clashing worlds of society and inner self. Both these worlds provide me with very important emotions and feelings. The former lends me social acceptance and sense of belongingness while the latter nourishes me with self-love and calmness. When I listen to the world, I have my doubts about the workings of the phenomenon we call 'Life'. When I listen to my inner self, I invite opportunities to fight the world and prove myself and my thinkings to be correct.

Each man.... on his way upwards... in the hierarchy of understanding of life... has to face many such obstacles. A lot of lay men and corrupt people who are accredited with wisdom and Gods choicest blessings come in the way to hinder the progress. Many a times.... in order to establish the correct way of living... you need to stay stubborn..... undefeated.... and wage a peaceful war ( I told u naa.. I am a living oxymoron) so that you can do good for the society. Its something like asking people to quit eating KFC as it is extremely bad for health and environment (pun intended)!

We all need to go through these testing times..... but here.... a very imporatnt part of us.....which was so characteristic of our personality..... has to change.

I have always been the romantic passionate types. I was complexed about my fatness and never very confident that men could like me. Hence, I generally chose those kind of men who either had the same feeling about them or those who did not care about the looks no matter what they were looking for in place of it). I had friends who were impressed by other qualities in me and hence thought I was very beautiful. I loved each one of them and I loved them dearly!!!

I still do.

But I require to change. I have learnt that love is not just emotions of compassion, care and warmth. Love is wisdom also. And it takes courage to use that wisdom against the compassion that the naive angelic heart exudes.

While on my way to Self Actualization/ Buddhahood I will have to use wisdom, courage and compassion in such a way that it creates for me the perfect life state to dwell in! And for this to happen.... i will have to taste sufferings. With this point of view, Sufferings Are Good! And hence, one should never begrudge one's life.

I am going through a tough phase in life. I know once I will be out of it, I will look back and smile ( In times of difficulty Wise men rejoice while foolish retreat) and I will never ever regret all the decisions I took through out this phase. I wont regret the people I met, the things I did, the fights I started and the tears I produced. I will not begrudge what is happening to me. This is an essential learning lesson. And apart from all that I have learned as of now.............i know......... there is much more in store of me....

And "yeh picture baaki hai mere dost"

Today, I don't think there is anything wrong in me and I am confident that ANY man can love me. I know I am worth a lot!!! I am not just looking for Love........ I am looking for wisdom as well. I am not segregating life ..... I am trying to look at it in its totality. I haven't lost hope in people and goodness of mankind. Each one of us is good. And each one of us is right according to his/her own thinking. What is important for an individual is to find a creative way to bridge the gap between the society and the inner self!

Love (... still pondering)

The most complex emotion of all leaves me craving to know more about it and experience it to the tilt. But every time I go ahead to do so... something gets missed and I cant seem to feel Love in its totality. Last time I had a guy... I was mad for him. I experienced the Deewanapan, the Awarapan side of love. The maddening Romeo effect! I was head over heels for this guy and I couldn’t understand why didn’t he love me...

Today... as I stand stable with a man for a year or so, I am experiencing the calm, sober, sweet poison effect of Love. Every time he smiles he makes me smile. He makes sure I am pampered and well cared for. Dr. Brian says, Love is not always giving but also receiving. I gave a lot to my ex.... and this time I am at the receiving end. But in both the cases... I haven’t ever felt secure.
I have felt
Attachment, solitude,
empathy, sympathy,
madness, craziness,
friendship, romance,
sweet nothings, heated somethings,

Calm silence.

Warm hugs,
feeling of being complete......

Awe, fear, possessiveness, obsession ,insecurity.

But I haven’t felt secure. No one made me feel that I am completely safe with him. That no matter what happens I will be able to live life the way I want.
Last time I was scared that he will leave me.... today I am scared that I will leave him. Both the times no one in my environment liked him! Why do I choose men who are not as good as I am? Why do people think I deserve more? How come I don’t listen to my parents and let them find a rich good looking husband for me? Why do I get attracted to men who are so very different from my society and from me....yet so similar? My guy right now is everything I want him to be but nothing apart from that. I had never thought that I want a guy who can plan his life properly and make sure he knows the ins and outs of the working of the world. I had taken this quality for granted. Here I meet a guy who is as stupid as I am. Seriously, our environment is the reflection of our inner selves. My guy is all that I am. And this leaves me insecure.... and pondering. What is love ultimately? Is it love with oneself? Is it status or emotion or power or nature? I have been guided by a spiritual leader to look at marriage in its totality. If a man doesn’t have money and power but all the beautiful emotions and feelings... he is just being foolish to step into the institution of marriage. After all money and power brings a sense of victory in one’s life letting the person to dwell in the life states of happiness and confidence. If a person keeps talking and talking about how happy he wants to become but never actually works smart to achieve it..... He is just trying to fly in the sky with cardboard wings!

What is love then?

somebody help me..................

Love

Love is an all encompassing phenomenon. It can engulf all the negativities around it and convert it into compassion and beautiful positivity. Love is the ultimate truth a human being requires to realise and practice......
(sigh)
My philosophical ponderings tend to betray me at times.

If love is all encompassing, and it can win all battles... why am I confused whom to marry?? Should I tie the nuptial bond with a man who accepts me for who I am and loves me despite my negativities or should I look for a man who is intelligent and with whom I can discuss all such philosophical stuff? Should I marry the one who is pure from his heart but does not have a good personality or should I hunt for someone who can manifest his true self on the outside and win other’s hearts with his wit and charm? Should I stay with the person who is the reflection of the sweet angelic side of me? Or should I try to find someone who is more assertive and strong headed?

I know once Love will prevail my heart will be free of doubts and my mind will break the chains of fear. But when I seem to know so much about Life, why can’t I seem to be firm in my intentions and thoughts and battle the world for what I believe is right? I know I have to fight the devilish functions in order to climb out of the steep ridges of life while on my way to reach the summit of Buddhahood. But what is stopping me from loving back a guy who is giving me so much? Is this protection from the Shoten Zenjins (the functions of life) or is it yet another trick played by my shrewd mind?

Hmmm......

Faith

Certain existential questions have boggled each one of us at least once in our life time. I believe, a man who is haunted by such questions is on the verge of starting his journey towards finding the Ultimate Truth of Life. Till the time we don’t trouble the comfort of our minds, we can’t possibly understand certain very important facts of life. For example... the importance of Faith.

Most of us earthlings are trapped in the earthly affairs of money and power. Just recently, I heard an aged experienced man say that everything in this life can be traced back to one thing: ‘how can I be happy?’
Hedonistic? No. Truth.

We are all here to be "happy". Yet that’s precisely what is missing in our lives.
What makes us happy? Love? friendship? money? status? appreciation? Love makes us feel beautiful... friendship satisfies our need for acceptance and sense of belongingness, Money gives us all our materialistic pleasures and status gives us the feeling that people respect us for what we are and want to be like us! Does having all this guarantee us happiness?

What then can assure us of lasting joy?

Inner happiness... cultivated through faith... faith in the Functions of Life. Faith is like that glowing light at the end of the dark tunnel you are travelling through which raises hope within you that life is going to better now. It is the sight of your mother when you were just a year old and crying your lungs out fearing everyone has deserted you! It is the first drop of rain after a dry spell. It is the patience in a farmer’s heart after toiling an entire month waiting now for Mother Nature to do her work. Faith is the key to happiness.
All of us are going through some or another problem in our life. But those who practice (and not just believe in) faith are the ones who can smile through these turbulent times and appreciate the emerging of such difficulties. Only can these people truly be grateful to the Universe for giving an opportunity to be grateful in the future for the light shown by the Almighty! After all how can you appreciate the warmth of the sun if you haven’t experienced the moonlight’s chills?

Cultivate faith my fellow beings.....

Lets create a strong collective unconscious that can produce a phoenix ........ one that merges all of us into one... back again.