How it all Started!!!

My life is brilliant!

My life is pure!

I am an angel... of that I'm sure!!!

Life has changed so much. i never thought i would actually be blogging about myself!!! and whats all the more weird... i never thought i would be blogging about my spiritual growth!!! Okay Okay..... so all of u reading this might just want to close the window and get back to what u were doing earlier....

but

"Arre...yahi toh dhokha khagaya India"!!

Half of us.... don't know Who we Are? Why are we here on this earth? why was i born in this family and not somewhere else? Why am i an earthling? n not a martian or something else?? i didn't know the answers to these questions myself.. up til very recently!!

let me start from the very beginning.....from the time i realised that i was a little different from my peers. In school, grade 7th, i began to drown in a deep, seemingly pitless, sea of inferiority complex. I was gaining a lot of weight and my changing hormones were making me look all the more ugly. My mother had been pestering me to come in shape since the time i remember discovering who i am. But i think i was in 7th standard when Everyone started pestering me to start reducing weight and become more socially acceptable. people cant accept ab-normality. everything has to be within the set norms. i was never within them. I was ambitious, courageous, ugly and extremely modern in views. I never followed religion and questioned every aspect of life. People couldn't accept my logic. They would term them Utopian. I wanted to become a Psychologist and 99.99% of the society did not know what the profession was all about.... I'm sure they didn't even know the spelling of psychology. When i took Humanities as my stream of academic studies they scorned at me and looked down at me and thought i was a Dodo!!!
I was fed up of living in such an unaware society that did nothing to grow above its present status. People were happy being sad. They were happy blindly following rituals to bring happiness and success in their lives. They were happy bitching about each other and then moaning that everyone thinks ill of them! Sheesh!! It was pathetic. I wanted to run away.

But such escapist thoughts did not cross my mind till the time i reached the later half of the last semester in school. till my 12th standard... i was a naive being. ready to love all.. especially those beings who were shunned my the entire School! i would often become pally with the Un-cool, with the Introvert or with the Absurd!! I wanted to probe deeper into their lives and know what made them stand out of the normal lot of people. i was "luckily" always at the border line of the acceptable-unacceptable divide prevalent in school. hence i could take the advantage of straying away to the grounds of the Weirdos and bringing a specie "back home"!!!! i would counsel girls in varied matters... love, family, individuality and find solace in their smiles. till the age of 17 i had become a total loner. who would only have people coming up to her when they needed a listening ear and a shoulder they could cry on. when their feelings were vented out they would lock me in the attic of their lives and go out to play and be merry again. this behaviour of others never really hurt me. i was happy. At least people respected me. or whatever. At least i had friends.

after schooling i shifted to New Delhi to complete my graduation. i got admission in a supposedly OK-OK college which was just growing in its fame. My choice of college reflected my perception about myself. i chose to study in a place which was not very recognised and was just struggling to be noticed. Its students thought very high of themselves and took pride in declaring to the world the name of their Alma Mater. I to joined the band-wagon!!! and oh! the experience changed my life!!! my personality took a 360 degree flip. and i became a strong, confident, popular girl who started struggling to achieve her dreams!! and this change was just the first step of the ladder! in my first year i became the Class Representative of my Programme. i took up responsibilities and enjoyed hogging the fame i received from the post. i was happy. and for the first time in my life people believed that i was happy. i reduced in size drastically. clothes started fitting me better and girls started to tsk-tsk at hearing me say how ugly i am. wow! they liked me...... moreover........ i liked myself. AND............ my PARENTS loved me!!!!! i mean.. they loved me before as well... but they couldn't show it to world.. fearing their scorns!! now they could proudly talk about how much better i looked and the world would chime in! oh that look of pride and satisfaction on mummy's face!! oh that flush of golden and red glow in her cheeks!! i was happy.

this pushed me further to explore myself and make OTHERS happier to look at me. i was happy that I was being accepted. At the same time i was now more comfortable to be termed a rebel. I could easily raise my voice in the public about an issue and get the support of many others. Here i must give credit to my group of friends in college. i learnt so much out of them and their constant love and support made me hang on to my changing perception of self and world.

the second year of college arrived. And i set forth to traverse into a new phase in life. I started realising that relationships are dynamic and not static. Especially the ones which give you a lot of pleasure in the initial phases. My guardians started expecting a lot out of me. I realised that even though i was growing as a student, a friend and as leader.... i was ignoring my family and not aptly handling my duties and responsibility as a child in my guardian's house! My equations with my guardians started changing. this brought a major turbulence in my life. Also i learnt about a family secret. the knowledge swept the ground off my feet. What was happening? how did the world become so mean and insensitive?
I tried to introspect. And what i realised after a million introspective sessions sparked the first flame of the need for self-discovery within me. I realised that uptil now i was seeing the world through the eyes of other people. my relations with my kin were through the eyes of my mom and dad. i was treating them the way my parents treated them and expected them to treat me the way the treated maa and dadoo. this couldn't go on fro long. I was not just a representative of my family in India but an individual in myself as well. I had to build my own unique equations with everyone. since then i started grounding myself in reality. A new phase was about to start in my life.... very soon.

I realised that I have to shift out from my relatives place and try living independently. Though the time at which this change came was not appropriate according to me( my Mama, my guardian was struck with a heart attack and had gone through a by-pass surgery) I bravely stepped forward and pledged to not stop on my way. The fear of the Unknown wrapped me again. I shifted into a hostel. What followed was a roller coaster ride...... and trust me.... it provided me amazing learning opportunities!!
I had to carve a niche for myself in the society. Being one of the blind sheep in the herd and loitering away to a Normal goal was just not my way of Living. I had to do something. Something BIG. Something constructive for the society. YES. Clinical psychology was IT!!!


to be contd.....