never begrudge your life

I belong to the world of the youth! People of my age are on the verge of losing hope and wantto be more "practical" in life than idealistic. Most of us youngsters are starting to earn a living and finding out that all the passionate utopian ideals were best preserved in a book and that the real life is much different! Some of us have understood that its best to do what others are doing while some of us are being so rebellious to their own thing that they are losing focus from being good.... to being right!

Whats right? The norms set by the society.... or the desires to create our own norms?

Being one of those who is on the path of self-discovery and seeking The Truth of Life.... I am stranded between the two clashing worlds of society and inner self. Both these worlds provide me with very important emotions and feelings. The former lends me social acceptance and sense of belongingness while the latter nourishes me with self-love and calmness. When I listen to the world, I have my doubts about the workings of the phenomenon we call 'Life'. When I listen to my inner self, I invite opportunities to fight the world and prove myself and my thinkings to be correct.

Each man.... on his way upwards... in the hierarchy of understanding of life... has to face many such obstacles. A lot of lay men and corrupt people who are accredited with wisdom and Gods choicest blessings come in the way to hinder the progress. Many a times.... in order to establish the correct way of living... you need to stay stubborn..... undefeated.... and wage a peaceful war ( I told u naa.. I am a living oxymoron) so that you can do good for the society. Its something like asking people to quit eating KFC as it is extremely bad for health and environment (pun intended)!

We all need to go through these testing times..... but here.... a very imporatnt part of us.....which was so characteristic of our personality..... has to change.

I have always been the romantic passionate types. I was complexed about my fatness and never very confident that men could like me. Hence, I generally chose those kind of men who either had the same feeling about them or those who did not care about the looks no matter what they were looking for in place of it). I had friends who were impressed by other qualities in me and hence thought I was very beautiful. I loved each one of them and I loved them dearly!!!

I still do.

But I require to change. I have learnt that love is not just emotions of compassion, care and warmth. Love is wisdom also. And it takes courage to use that wisdom against the compassion that the naive angelic heart exudes.

While on my way to Self Actualization/ Buddhahood I will have to use wisdom, courage and compassion in such a way that it creates for me the perfect life state to dwell in! And for this to happen.... i will have to taste sufferings. With this point of view, Sufferings Are Good! And hence, one should never begrudge one's life.

I am going through a tough phase in life. I know once I will be out of it, I will look back and smile ( In times of difficulty Wise men rejoice while foolish retreat) and I will never ever regret all the decisions I took through out this phase. I wont regret the people I met, the things I did, the fights I started and the tears I produced. I will not begrudge what is happening to me. This is an essential learning lesson. And apart from all that I have learned as of now.............i know......... there is much more in store of me....

And "yeh picture baaki hai mere dost"

Today, I don't think there is anything wrong in me and I am confident that ANY man can love me. I know I am worth a lot!!! I am not just looking for Love........ I am looking for wisdom as well. I am not segregating life ..... I am trying to look at it in its totality. I haven't lost hope in people and goodness of mankind. Each one of us is good. And each one of us is right according to his/her own thinking. What is important for an individual is to find a creative way to bridge the gap between the society and the inner self!

Love (... still pondering)

The most complex emotion of all leaves me craving to know more about it and experience it to the tilt. But every time I go ahead to do so... something gets missed and I cant seem to feel Love in its totality. Last time I had a guy... I was mad for him. I experienced the Deewanapan, the Awarapan side of love. The maddening Romeo effect! I was head over heels for this guy and I couldn’t understand why didn’t he love me...

Today... as I stand stable with a man for a year or so, I am experiencing the calm, sober, sweet poison effect of Love. Every time he smiles he makes me smile. He makes sure I am pampered and well cared for. Dr. Brian says, Love is not always giving but also receiving. I gave a lot to my ex.... and this time I am at the receiving end. But in both the cases... I haven’t ever felt secure.
I have felt
Attachment, solitude,
empathy, sympathy,
madness, craziness,
friendship, romance,
sweet nothings, heated somethings,

Calm silence.

Warm hugs,
feeling of being complete......

Awe, fear, possessiveness, obsession ,insecurity.

But I haven’t felt secure. No one made me feel that I am completely safe with him. That no matter what happens I will be able to live life the way I want.
Last time I was scared that he will leave me.... today I am scared that I will leave him. Both the times no one in my environment liked him! Why do I choose men who are not as good as I am? Why do people think I deserve more? How come I don’t listen to my parents and let them find a rich good looking husband for me? Why do I get attracted to men who are so very different from my society and from me....yet so similar? My guy right now is everything I want him to be but nothing apart from that. I had never thought that I want a guy who can plan his life properly and make sure he knows the ins and outs of the working of the world. I had taken this quality for granted. Here I meet a guy who is as stupid as I am. Seriously, our environment is the reflection of our inner selves. My guy is all that I am. And this leaves me insecure.... and pondering. What is love ultimately? Is it love with oneself? Is it status or emotion or power or nature? I have been guided by a spiritual leader to look at marriage in its totality. If a man doesn’t have money and power but all the beautiful emotions and feelings... he is just being foolish to step into the institution of marriage. After all money and power brings a sense of victory in one’s life letting the person to dwell in the life states of happiness and confidence. If a person keeps talking and talking about how happy he wants to become but never actually works smart to achieve it..... He is just trying to fly in the sky with cardboard wings!

What is love then?

somebody help me..................

Love

Love is an all encompassing phenomenon. It can engulf all the negativities around it and convert it into compassion and beautiful positivity. Love is the ultimate truth a human being requires to realise and practice......
(sigh)
My philosophical ponderings tend to betray me at times.

If love is all encompassing, and it can win all battles... why am I confused whom to marry?? Should I tie the nuptial bond with a man who accepts me for who I am and loves me despite my negativities or should I look for a man who is intelligent and with whom I can discuss all such philosophical stuff? Should I marry the one who is pure from his heart but does not have a good personality or should I hunt for someone who can manifest his true self on the outside and win other’s hearts with his wit and charm? Should I stay with the person who is the reflection of the sweet angelic side of me? Or should I try to find someone who is more assertive and strong headed?

I know once Love will prevail my heart will be free of doubts and my mind will break the chains of fear. But when I seem to know so much about Life, why can’t I seem to be firm in my intentions and thoughts and battle the world for what I believe is right? I know I have to fight the devilish functions in order to climb out of the steep ridges of life while on my way to reach the summit of Buddhahood. But what is stopping me from loving back a guy who is giving me so much? Is this protection from the Shoten Zenjins (the functions of life) or is it yet another trick played by my shrewd mind?

Hmmm......

Faith

Certain existential questions have boggled each one of us at least once in our life time. I believe, a man who is haunted by such questions is on the verge of starting his journey towards finding the Ultimate Truth of Life. Till the time we don’t trouble the comfort of our minds, we can’t possibly understand certain very important facts of life. For example... the importance of Faith.

Most of us earthlings are trapped in the earthly affairs of money and power. Just recently, I heard an aged experienced man say that everything in this life can be traced back to one thing: ‘how can I be happy?’
Hedonistic? No. Truth.

We are all here to be "happy". Yet that’s precisely what is missing in our lives.
What makes us happy? Love? friendship? money? status? appreciation? Love makes us feel beautiful... friendship satisfies our need for acceptance and sense of belongingness, Money gives us all our materialistic pleasures and status gives us the feeling that people respect us for what we are and want to be like us! Does having all this guarantee us happiness?

What then can assure us of lasting joy?

Inner happiness... cultivated through faith... faith in the Functions of Life. Faith is like that glowing light at the end of the dark tunnel you are travelling through which raises hope within you that life is going to better now. It is the sight of your mother when you were just a year old and crying your lungs out fearing everyone has deserted you! It is the first drop of rain after a dry spell. It is the patience in a farmer’s heart after toiling an entire month waiting now for Mother Nature to do her work. Faith is the key to happiness.
All of us are going through some or another problem in our life. But those who practice (and not just believe in) faith are the ones who can smile through these turbulent times and appreciate the emerging of such difficulties. Only can these people truly be grateful to the Universe for giving an opportunity to be grateful in the future for the light shown by the Almighty! After all how can you appreciate the warmth of the sun if you haven’t experienced the moonlight’s chills?

Cultivate faith my fellow beings.....

Lets create a strong collective unconscious that can produce a phoenix ........ one that merges all of us into one... back again.

sheesh.....

Yesterday, I had a nice fight with my parents. It was not a fight actually, just another indication of discontentment with my way of life. This time, because i did not retort, the discontent did not rise to annoyance. My parents are particularly troubled by my participation in this organisation called SGI. They do not like my going to the meetings regularly. They know my mission in life is to spread peace and happiness and thus they are trying to make the very first step towards my mission a huge task in itself. Sensei says peace starts from home. If we have a harmonious family, we will be able to better spread peace in our society. But, well, for peace to prevail at home there are things, which are much more tedious than spreading the message of shanti in this world. I can write essays on methods for peace making and can eloquently deliver the message of love and compassion to an audience of 107. But when it comes to making my parents happy and not getting into petty arguments... OMG!!! Its sooooo difficult.
Yesterday..... I told my mom that i would have to go for a presentation meeting the next day, which would last for an hour or so. Immediately her tempers rose and she said , "Dekh rahe ho Kuldeep.... iska room toh saaf hai nahin, exercise karti nahin aur roz meetings ke liye jaane lag gayi hai". Now. Bacause I don’t sweat and become a 36-24-36 figured chic and because I don’t follow my mom in being Miss Perfectly Clean Aquarian, I am not allowed to things which really matter to me.
I wish parents could understand......

But well. I acnt change others, but I canchange myself. I guess i just have to do what i don't like. Coz i need to get what I like.

If there is any parent who is reading this post....... reflect. When you quieten your child's "blabbering", when you ignore her demands to join the salsa class (because you fear she might have sex with her partner after the class0, when you nudge her thinking she would understand.....when you blame her without having the patience to find out WHAT EXACTLY happened and WHY she did it.......

you are killing the daughter within her. If she is like me...... she will probably keep changing herself thinking all thats happening to her is her own responsibility ..then its good....... otherwise..... dont blame her friends when she stays out late at nights or does not want to come home after college. The reason why young adults rebel is because parents dont see them as adults!

I have read a lot of blogs: Funny blogs, business blogs, as-a-matter-of-fact blogs, abstract blogs, sexy blogs, sex blogs and even spiritual blogs. The reason why I though to start blogging myself was to be "in" and kewl. After my first attempt (as u all can read for your selves) was a disaster. Too many things put together in a huge handi and a biryani made up of my feelings, thoughts and experiences. I never thought of blogging again. I had friends I could talk too.
Today, I switch on my computer only to post this blog. As I sit in my dimly lit bedroom, with no one in the house, I ponder over the harsh reality of this Big Bad World. I am now situated in the midst of a small city, named Sharjah, which is eternally bubbling with life! Yet, this city...and all the other 6 emirates (states) are inhabited by dead people. And if just in case you find one man who's alive, you would label him sleeping. Coming from Delhi, I think this country (United Arab Emirates aka The Emirates) has no soul.
I am a lively, vibrant, vivacious 20 something girl who loves to fly high!! I call myself a Free Bird! I hate restrictions and limitations. There is nothing a human cannot achieve. And I know I have limitless potential and the power to actualise my potentials. This world is beautiful and so is this Life. The people are lovely and each one of us are living unique lives......
Yes.... some people are bad and some are good... but ultimately we all are learning..... something or the other... and trying to find The Truth and The divine. Then why do we crib? Why do we bitch? Why do we insult? Why do we feel jealous?? I don’t. And even if I do at times, I try to control it, chant hard and ask the Mystic Law to eradicate all negativities from within me. This is what keeps me happy and kicking!
But today..... today... I am sad. I trusted a few people in my office here. I trusted them with love! But I feel they have been backbiting about me. Obviously I cannot ever get direct proof of it... after all... its BACK biting that they do. But when my fellow counsellors told me about the hot gossip about me that is taking rounds in the school I was shattered!!! Me? This little girl who doesn’t mean harm to anybody? Me? But I always loved everyone as if they were a part of me!!! I respected ALL my colleagues... bloody they are all my parents’ age and some even older!!! All of them consider me as a daughter! Then how can they talk about me!???!! Well..... surprise surprise..... I’m wearing rose colour glasses. People bitch... people gossip...people talk......and they love what they are doing. They won’t even feel sorry if I confront them!! I am a student counsellor for grade 1-4 boys. I was a teacher before I got promoted. All my colleagues now call me Baby Counsellor. How stupid I was to think that they love me as their daughter and hence call me baby. How naive! I was called in by the principal recently and she said that teachers are not taking me seriously because I dress up like a kid! (WHAT???) They think I am not working properly and just wasting my time away to glory! (REALLY??!!) They have even linked me up with an unmarried colleague in our section (Oh Lord!!)......

And I thought they loved me!!
How naive!

Actually, it’s MY fault. We should be responsible for our own actions. Nothing happen to us if we don’t choose it to happen. I wear black jeans and three-fourths to school, I greet each person...from the janitor to the supervisor....with a huge smile and a bright "HIII!", I sit in the sports field early in the morning to enjoy the rain, I confide in colleagues who are in their late 20's about my parents, and I vibrantly reply back to little boys who wish me good morning! All these are immature behaviours! Grownups don’t do all this. Look what comments I got from my principal...... "Teachers don’t take you seriously. You should be more professional. and they say you don’t follow up on your cases. The behaviour in the section is not maintained properly"! .....errrmmmm..... none of my grade 3 and 4 boys have behaviour problems which I need to maintain. And I am not responsible for discipline in the section. The teachers are. Not the counsellors. But here I get a nice comment from the principal. Why? Because I am a bloody happy-go-lucky chic who likes to spread love and happiness.

My fellow counsellors said that I need to maintain a distance from the teachers. The frogs will croak, the dogs will bark, the teachers will talk.

And I used to hold the teaching profession as the noblest of all... demanding high respect and stature! “Guru Brahma, Guru Vishnu, Guru Devo Maheshwara.” And when Gurus gossip..... they become Guru Blah Blah, Guru vicious, Guru "dey-must-be-making-out-naa"!!!!!

YUCK!

I have always prayed To the almighty to give me wisdom. I want to achieve buddhahood in this lifetime..... it’s a huge task....! That’s why I have been put among 30/40/50 something’s so that I can learn from their experiences about the negativities of this world and try to raise myself above them.

"people name their mistakes as experience. Learn from other’s mistakes not experience”
-someone great

I have learnt today that I will not blindly trust people and get friendly with everyone. I want stop being happy but I will not showcase myself as Ms. happy-go-lucky. I will be more professional and make use of the power of my supervisory grade position at work. I will still be vibrant but I will use my wisdom and be careful about my actions. I will now be more vigilant and not take the world for granted. It’s a Big Bad World..... and I will win it over with my wisdom, courage and compassion. Never will I crib about anything or bitch about anyone. If I don’t like someone I will try to learn a lesson from him/her and rise above petty grudging!

Am I on the right path? or am I still acting "immature"?

How it all Started!!!

My life is brilliant!

My life is pure!

I am an angel... of that I'm sure!!!

Life has changed so much. i never thought i would actually be blogging about myself!!! and whats all the more weird... i never thought i would be blogging about my spiritual growth!!! Okay Okay..... so all of u reading this might just want to close the window and get back to what u were doing earlier....

but

"Arre...yahi toh dhokha khagaya India"!!

Half of us.... don't know Who we Are? Why are we here on this earth? why was i born in this family and not somewhere else? Why am i an earthling? n not a martian or something else?? i didn't know the answers to these questions myself.. up til very recently!!

let me start from the very beginning.....from the time i realised that i was a little different from my peers. In school, grade 7th, i began to drown in a deep, seemingly pitless, sea of inferiority complex. I was gaining a lot of weight and my changing hormones were making me look all the more ugly. My mother had been pestering me to come in shape since the time i remember discovering who i am. But i think i was in 7th standard when Everyone started pestering me to start reducing weight and become more socially acceptable. people cant accept ab-normality. everything has to be within the set norms. i was never within them. I was ambitious, courageous, ugly and extremely modern in views. I never followed religion and questioned every aspect of life. People couldn't accept my logic. They would term them Utopian. I wanted to become a Psychologist and 99.99% of the society did not know what the profession was all about.... I'm sure they didn't even know the spelling of psychology. When i took Humanities as my stream of academic studies they scorned at me and looked down at me and thought i was a Dodo!!!
I was fed up of living in such an unaware society that did nothing to grow above its present status. People were happy being sad. They were happy blindly following rituals to bring happiness and success in their lives. They were happy bitching about each other and then moaning that everyone thinks ill of them! Sheesh!! It was pathetic. I wanted to run away.

But such escapist thoughts did not cross my mind till the time i reached the later half of the last semester in school. till my 12th standard... i was a naive being. ready to love all.. especially those beings who were shunned my the entire School! i would often become pally with the Un-cool, with the Introvert or with the Absurd!! I wanted to probe deeper into their lives and know what made them stand out of the normal lot of people. i was "luckily" always at the border line of the acceptable-unacceptable divide prevalent in school. hence i could take the advantage of straying away to the grounds of the Weirdos and bringing a specie "back home"!!!! i would counsel girls in varied matters... love, family, individuality and find solace in their smiles. till the age of 17 i had become a total loner. who would only have people coming up to her when they needed a listening ear and a shoulder they could cry on. when their feelings were vented out they would lock me in the attic of their lives and go out to play and be merry again. this behaviour of others never really hurt me. i was happy. At least people respected me. or whatever. At least i had friends.

after schooling i shifted to New Delhi to complete my graduation. i got admission in a supposedly OK-OK college which was just growing in its fame. My choice of college reflected my perception about myself. i chose to study in a place which was not very recognised and was just struggling to be noticed. Its students thought very high of themselves and took pride in declaring to the world the name of their Alma Mater. I to joined the band-wagon!!! and oh! the experience changed my life!!! my personality took a 360 degree flip. and i became a strong, confident, popular girl who started struggling to achieve her dreams!! and this change was just the first step of the ladder! in my first year i became the Class Representative of my Programme. i took up responsibilities and enjoyed hogging the fame i received from the post. i was happy. and for the first time in my life people believed that i was happy. i reduced in size drastically. clothes started fitting me better and girls started to tsk-tsk at hearing me say how ugly i am. wow! they liked me...... moreover........ i liked myself. AND............ my PARENTS loved me!!!!! i mean.. they loved me before as well... but they couldn't show it to world.. fearing their scorns!! now they could proudly talk about how much better i looked and the world would chime in! oh that look of pride and satisfaction on mummy's face!! oh that flush of golden and red glow in her cheeks!! i was happy.

this pushed me further to explore myself and make OTHERS happier to look at me. i was happy that I was being accepted. At the same time i was now more comfortable to be termed a rebel. I could easily raise my voice in the public about an issue and get the support of many others. Here i must give credit to my group of friends in college. i learnt so much out of them and their constant love and support made me hang on to my changing perception of self and world.

the second year of college arrived. And i set forth to traverse into a new phase in life. I started realising that relationships are dynamic and not static. Especially the ones which give you a lot of pleasure in the initial phases. My guardians started expecting a lot out of me. I realised that even though i was growing as a student, a friend and as leader.... i was ignoring my family and not aptly handling my duties and responsibility as a child in my guardian's house! My equations with my guardians started changing. this brought a major turbulence in my life. Also i learnt about a family secret. the knowledge swept the ground off my feet. What was happening? how did the world become so mean and insensitive?
I tried to introspect. And what i realised after a million introspective sessions sparked the first flame of the need for self-discovery within me. I realised that uptil now i was seeing the world through the eyes of other people. my relations with my kin were through the eyes of my mom and dad. i was treating them the way my parents treated them and expected them to treat me the way the treated maa and dadoo. this couldn't go on fro long. I was not just a representative of my family in India but an individual in myself as well. I had to build my own unique equations with everyone. since then i started grounding myself in reality. A new phase was about to start in my life.... very soon.

I realised that I have to shift out from my relatives place and try living independently. Though the time at which this change came was not appropriate according to me( my Mama, my guardian was struck with a heart attack and had gone through a by-pass surgery) I bravely stepped forward and pledged to not stop on my way. The fear of the Unknown wrapped me again. I shifted into a hostel. What followed was a roller coaster ride...... and trust me.... it provided me amazing learning opportunities!!
I had to carve a niche for myself in the society. Being one of the blind sheep in the herd and loitering away to a Normal goal was just not my way of Living. I had to do something. Something BIG. Something constructive for the society. YES. Clinical psychology was IT!!!


to be contd.....