The Greatest Challenge

Life teaches us a lot. But no lesson is easy to learn. In the process we have to overcome so many hurdles and challenges that sometimes this learning seems almost exhausting!
I am psychologist......a healer. I aspire to provide life changing therapy sessions to my community and society at large. There have been many successful moments in my life...
And there have been times when I haven't been able to reach out to my client. But up till now...my biggest challenge has been to change my loved ones.

As a therapist, I can influence a million parents, youngsters, children and educationalists....but I seem to be taking sooooooooooo long to inculcate the correct attitude and teachings in my own parents and fiancé. All of these are very important people in my life. They inspire me, guide me, teach me and advice me. I do the same for them. I have noticed, that the three of them are rigidly staying put in the rut of their Common-Man lives.

Daishonin (Buddhism) says that our environment is a reflection of our self. If we don’t change... nothing will change around us. In order to make my parents and fiancé understand the idiosyncrasies of mortal man and escape the sufferings that arise out of life's distresses, I will have to develop myself!
My mother is a very responsible individual who believes in self care being higher than care for others. I don’t care about myself and my things. I tend to be irresponsible with my belongings and always remain in a state of perplex, hunting for my earrings, my books, important files or even a particular dress! I don’t care about my body and fill it with extra sugar and extra salt ...not to forget unnecessary meat... and let fat ooze out of embarrassing areas of my body! How can I expect her to change herself for an irresponsible girl like me?
My dad is a cultured man. His values are very strong. He believes in loving the community as if it is a part of our identity. By upholding strong value systems like respecting elders and being sensitive to the needs of the people around us, we can win respect and name in the eyes of others. I don’t respect my father. I speak out aloud my perceptions about him and mom with an aim to make them feel guilty for their faulty parenting. Every man learns with his mistakes. By continuously penalizing him for the errors you are only devaluing him. And I de-value my folks. I tell them whets wrong in them and hurt their ego. How can I expect him to change himself for a rebel like me?
My fiancé is a much disciplined man. He believes in Precaution rather than cure. He values time and routine. Honesty, sincerity, pure intentions are synonymous to his name. Every dealing in his life is done with pure intentions. His love is so unconditional that it can make any woman guilty for judging anything or anyone in life! He has the ability to concentrate on the positives of his loved ones rather than their negatives. I judge ALL his actions, all his thought processes, all his belief systems! His profession asks him to fall in love with one’s own body and develop it and nurture it lovingly. I don’t exercise, I don't wear anklets for my sprained ankles, I wear heals that trouble my spine, my hips and my feet. His day is jam-packed hardly allowing him space to breathe. He therefore values every moment of his life. I run late almost every day for almost every task. My papers are submitted in the nick of time and I love the adrenaline gush of running to catch a movie or arrive on a date with him. How can I ask him to change for a careless girl like me?

I have to be more responsible of myself and my belongings, I have to respect my parents and value the traditions of my house, I have to do time management and respect my body. Only by bringing these changes in my life will I inspire them to change their outlook of life. Only then will I be able to let them know that Life is beautiful and not as stressful as they think it is!

Midnight Winter Dream....

In the silence of the mind, a true lover romances with her ownself.
In the Silence of the world, she hears her own voice.

Her musings take her to a land far off,
travelling in time
transending space.
In her musings she scares herself of a future so horrid
and then cries to her lover for protection and cover.

In the silence of the mind,
she hears her speak,
comforting, soft voice....
an anchor in the turbulent sea...
''Why do you fear that that you do not know
What do you love? That is not yours!
Who do you admire? Him? Who is no one but You?
Love thyself and thou shalt know...
there exists nothing but Thy....''

Every night.... I dream.... of being one with You.........

Love (... still pondering)

The most complex emotion of all leaves me craving to know more about it and experience it to the tilt. But every time I go ahead to do so... something gets missed and I cant seem to feel Love in its totality. Last time I had a guy... I was mad for him. I experienced the Deewanapan, the Awarapan side of love. The maddening Romeo effect! I was head over heels for this guy and I couldn’t understand why didn’t he love me...

Today... as I stand stable with a man for a year or so, I am experiencing the calm, sober, sweet poison effect of Love. Every time he smiles he makes me smile. He makes sure I am pampered and well cared for. Dr. Brian says, Love is not always giving but also receiving. I gave a lot to my ex.... and this time I am at the receiving end. But in both the cases... I haven’t ever felt secure.
I have felt
Attachment, solitude,
empathy, sympathy,
madness, craziness,
friendship, romance,
sweet nothings, heated somethings,

Calm silence.

Warm hugs,
feeling of being complete......

Awe, fear, possessiveness, obsession ,insecurity.

But I haven’t felt secure. No one made me feel that I am completely safe with him. That no matter what happens I will be able to live life the way I want.
Last time I was scared that he will leave me.... today I am scared that I will leave him. Both the times no one in my environment liked him! Why do I choose men who are not as good as I am? Why do people think I deserve more? How come I don’t listen to my parents and let them find a rich good looking husband for me? Why do I get attracted to men who are so very different from my society and from me....yet so similar? My guy right now is everything I want him to be but nothing apart from that. I had never thought that I want a guy who can plan his life properly and make sure he knows the ins and outs of the working of the world. I had taken this quality for granted. Here I meet a guy who is as stupid as I am. Seriously, our environment is the reflection of our inner selves. My guy is all that I am. And this leaves me insecure.... and pondering. What is love ultimately? Is it love with oneself? Is it status or emotion or power or nature? I have been guided by a spiritual leader to look at marriage in its totality. If a man doesn’t have money and power but all the beautiful emotions and feelings... he is just being foolish to step into the institution of marriage. After all money and power brings a sense of victory in one’s life letting the person to dwell in the life states of happiness and confidence. If a person keeps talking and talking about how happy he wants to become but never actually works smart to achieve it..... He is just trying to fly in the sky with cardboard wings!

What is love then?

somebody help me..................

Love

Love is an all encompassing phenomenon. It can engulf all the negativities around it and convert it into compassion and beautiful positivity. Love is the ultimate truth a human being requires to realise and practice......
(sigh)
My philosophical ponderings tend to betray me at times.

If love is all encompassing, and it can win all battles... why am I confused whom to marry?? Should I tie the nuptial bond with a man who accepts me for who I am and loves me despite my negativities or should I look for a man who is intelligent and with whom I can discuss all such philosophical stuff? Should I marry the one who is pure from his heart but does not have a good personality or should I hunt for someone who can manifest his true self on the outside and win other’s hearts with his wit and charm? Should I stay with the person who is the reflection of the sweet angelic side of me? Or should I try to find someone who is more assertive and strong headed?

I know once Love will prevail my heart will be free of doubts and my mind will break the chains of fear. But when I seem to know so much about Life, why can’t I seem to be firm in my intentions and thoughts and battle the world for what I believe is right? I know I have to fight the devilish functions in order to climb out of the steep ridges of life while on my way to reach the summit of Buddhahood. But what is stopping me from loving back a guy who is giving me so much? Is this protection from the Shoten Zenjins (the functions of life) or is it yet another trick played by my shrewd mind?

Hmmm......